


No reason to feel like this

by sugarandspace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depressed Alec Lightwood, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, M/M, Post-Canon, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:46:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24256861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: Magnus doesn't know what to expect when he gets a call from his husband's parabatai. Alec and he have both been busy with work lately, and their time together has been very limited. Maybe it's time he pays Alec a visit at the Institute.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 16
Kudos: 324





	No reason to feel like this

**Author's Note:**

> Written after an anonymous prompt I got on tumblr:
> 
> _Could I request a fic where Alec is dealing with depression and Magnus is there for him?_

When Magnus’ phone rings and he sees that it’s Jace calling him, his first reaction is confusion. It’s not unheard of but it’s definitely rare enough to raise some questions, and unfortunately the first one that comes to Magnus’ mind is if maybe his husband is injured.

They have been seeing each other very little over the past few days, Alec’s job keeping him at the Institute late enough that he insists staying the night in his old room as not to unnecessarily bother Magnus with a portal request way after Magnus would be asleep, only to go back to the Institute at the crack of dawn.

Magnus would repeat time after time that it would not bother him if it meant that he got to sleep next to Alec and would wake up to a good-morning-kiss from his Shadowhunter. Unfortunately, somehow Alec had ended up winning that conversation and had stayed at the Institute the past three nights.

With Magnus being busy with his own work, their time together had been limited to quick lunches at Alec’s office and messages exchanged throughout the day.

Magnus had seen the dark circles under Alec’s eyes and he had noticed that his husband seemed more quiet than usual, and it had killed him a little to leave him to his work every time he had to leave the Institute. So when he saw that Jace was calling him on the evening of what would be their fourth night apart, his heart skipped a beat when he rushed to answer.

“Jace?”

“Hey Magnus,” Jace replies and Magnus hates that he isn’t able to read his tone. It isn’t panicked but it isn’t light either. It sounds almost hesitant, like Jace doesn’t know how to say what he needs to say or if he should say it at all.

So it doesn’t exactly put Magnus’ mind to ease.

“Has something happened?” He can’t help but ask. He’s anxious and the conversation is going too slowly for his liking.

“I was actually going to ask the same from you,” Jace replies, the answer making Magnus’ eyebrows furrow.

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t mean to pry,” Jace starts hesitantly. “But is everything okay with you and Alec?”

It seems like the further this conversation goes, the more confused Magnus gets. 

“Yes?” He replies, but it comes out as a question. He mentally goes through all the messages and all the times they’ve been able to meet in the past few days and wonders if he’s missed something. “We’ve both been busy with work but as far as I know there’s nothing wrong between us. What makes you ask? Has Alexander said something?”

Magnus hates to admit it that his voice sounds insecure even to his own ears.

“No!” Jace is quick to reassure him. “He hasn’t said anything. It’s just…”

“Jace,” Magnus says with no small amount of exasperation in his tone. Something is clearly going on with Alec and hates to be kept in the dark about it. “Tell me.”

“It’s the bond,” Jace sighs out. “I know Alec has been trying to block it from me but something has been off with him the past few days. He’s been like this before, but not after he met you. I was wondering if maybe something had happened between you two.”

“Not that I know of,” Magnus answers. “But thank you for telling me. Is he at the Institute?”

“Yeah,” Jace replies. “I haven’t seen him leave his office the whole day.”

“Okay,” Magnus says and nods to himself. “Okay. I will come in shortly. I will talk to Alexander and see if there’s something I can do.”

“Thank you, Magnus,” Jace says and then they’re hanging up.

Magnus puts his phone away to his pocket and takes a quick look at himself from the nearby mirror. He’s still in his clothes for today and decides he looks presentable enough to leave the loft and visit the Institute. As he creates the portal he can’t help but wonder what kind of conversation will wait for him on the other side of it.

-.-.-

The Institute is buzzing with people despite the late hour, or more likely because of it, since Shadowhunter duties mainly center around night-time. Magnus manages to make it to Alec’s office without running to anyone he knows and he’s grateful, since he doesn’t have time for pleasantries when something might be wrong with Alec, or maybe even with their relationship.

Even though Magnus can’t figure out what he would have done to upset Alec, he can’t ignore the possibility that there might be something, and he’s eager to find out.

The office door is closed, and Magnus knocks on it softly before entering.

At first glance the room looks to be empty, Alec’s desk is filled with papers and folders in some kind of a state of controlled chaos. The only light in the room comes from the desk lamp that casts its warm glow in the room. As Magnus moves his eyes away from the desk, he spots Alec, sleeping on the small couch he has on his office.

It’s so far from what Magnus expected that he has to take a moment to process the sight. He had fully expected to walk into the room to see his husband overworking himself and having to drag him home for some well-needed rest. This, however, takes him by surprise.

Magnus steps further into the room and closes the door behind him, walking to the small couch and kneeling next to Alec’s head. The couch is so small Magnus thinks even Izzy would have trouble sleeping on it comfortably, so to see Alec curled up on it with his neck at an awkward angle against the armrest makes Magnus wince in sympathy. 

He reaches his hand to Alec’s shoulder and shakes him lightly, trying to wake him up but not wanting to startle him.

Alec’s eyes blink open slowly and he smiles briefly as he notices Magnus, before the look turns to confusion as he realizes he’s in his office, and then to something Magnus would describe as alarm as he sits up and brushes a hand through his hair.

Magnus takes in his husband and sees immediately that the nap has done close to nothing to get rid of the tiredness that's coming off from Alec in waves. Magnus wonders how much he’s been sleeping, and if this nap was just a product of Alec forcing himself to stay up for too long, and his body finally just giving up. He doesn’t ask Alec yet.

“Magnus,” Alec says. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” Magnus says honestly. The visit might have been brought on by worry, but he’s also missed Alec the past few days.

“I’m sorry,” Alec says, averting his eyes to his lap. Magnus gets up from the floor and sits on the couch next to him, taking his hands to his own and brushing at Alec’s hands softly, hoping that it brings his husband some comfort. 

“For what, love?” Magnus asks gently.

“For not coming home the past few nights,” Alec replies, but he’s still not looking at Magnus. 

“It’s okay,” Magnus says. “You’ve been busy here.”

When Alec doesn’t say anything to that, Magnus keeps speaking. He keeps his tone soft as he talks next, even though worry makes his stomach twist uncomfortably.

“Or is there some other reason?”

Alec tries to pull his hands away, but Magnus holds on. Eventually Alec gives up and his hands relax, falling back to his thighs. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec repeats.

“Alexander you are making me worried,” Magnus says honestly. As hard as he tries he can’t come up with a reason why Alec might be sorry. And the longer he stays in the dark, the more his mind has time to run towards the worst-case scenarios that make his heart beat too fast.

“I didn’t want you to find out,” Alec says, his tone defeated. “I didn’t want to bother you with it.”

“What are you talking about?” Magnus asks. He lets go of one of Alec’s hands to bring it under his chin and lift it up, hoping that maybe Alec’s expression would give some kind of a hint of what he’s trying to say. 

The pain he sees there makes Magnus’ own eyes sting. It’s in part because his husband is clearly distressed and partly because Magnus is frustrated, not knowing how to help or how to make Alec talk to him.

“I thought I was over this,” Alec says, and Magnus brushes his thumb over Alec’s jaw as he closes his eyes in a last attempt to hide from Magnus. “Everything has been going so well, I have no reason to feel this way.”

“And how are you feeling?” Magnus asks softly.

“Tired,” Alec answers. He opens his eyes to look at Magnus, and Magnus is finally able to connect some dots as Alec keeps talking. “Like I’m not doing enough, like I can never be what everyone expects me to be. It seems hopeless. Every time I feel like I’ve taken a step when it comes to getting through to the Clave, I’m taken two steps back. Maybe I’m not fit to be the Head of the Institute, Maybe the Downworld needs someone better to speak for their rights in front of the Clave. I’m so tired all the time but at the same time, I’m not able to sleep more than moments at a time. I look at everything that’s waiting at me over there -” Alec says and nods towards his desk. “- and I feel so hopeless.”

“Alexander,” Magnus breathes out when Alec eventually stops. He didn’t want to interrupt him when he had finally started talking. “You are the best Head of the Institute I’ve seen in a long while. I might be biased since I’m married to you, but I’m also saying it from a Downworlder's point of view. There’s no one better than you to work towards giving us better rights in the eyes of the Clave, in no small part because you’re the only one in a long while who’s even bothered to try. You have a good heart, Alexander. There will always be those who are against the change, even if the change is for the better.”

Alec turns his head to lean against Magnus’ hand that’s still on his jaw, his eyes closed as he lets the words sink in. Magnus knows it’s not as easy as that, and these thoughts will come back to haunt his husband, but he’s willing to remind him any time he needs.

Magnus slides his hand to the back of Alec’s head and pulls him in for a hug. They stay like that for a moment before Magnus pulls back and speaks.

“We should head home,” he says quietly. “Change of scenery will do you good and maybe you’ll be able to get some rest. The work can wait.” 

“It’s not just work,” Alec whispers like he’s ashamed to admit it. “Jace has been trying to get me to train with him, Izzy has been asking me to accompany her to the dining hall - I just don’t feel like being around anyone. I’m not good company when I get like this. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to be a bother. I thought I could just stay at the Institute for a few days and it would pass.”

“You might feel like you’re bothering the people around you but I assure you it’s not how we feel,” Magnus tells him immediately. He knows how feelings like that work, and he wants Alec to know that not everything his brain tries to convince him with is true. “You have people who care about you, and they will be there for you when you struggle. It is not a hardship to be there for you when you need it, Alexander.”

“I didn’t want you to think that I’m not happy with you,” Alec says. His tone is close to tears and it breaks Magnus’ heart. Was this the reason Alec had not come home the past few days? Had he been worried that Magnus would think that he's not happy in their relationship?

“Darling,” he starts, bringing his hand under Alec’s chin to lift it up again so he can look him in the eyes. It’s important that Alec sees how sincere he is with his words. “I know it doesn’t work like that.”

When Alec doesn’t say anything, Magnus continues.

“I’m no stranger to this,” he says. “To depression. I know things can look perfect to the eye of an outsider and you can still feel like you’re feeling.”

He absolutely hates the idea that Alec has been going through this alone, fearing that Magnus would be offended if he found out. It is a fear that needs to be diminished as soon as possible.

“I know you love me,” Magnus says, his words certain. “There’s not a cell in my body that doubts your feelings towards me. Just like your siblings know that you love them. Do you understand me?”

Alec nods and Magnus leans in to leave a kiss on his forehead.

“Now let’s go,” Magnus says, standing up and offering his hand to Alec who takes it. “You need rest. In a bed.”

Opting to stay at the Institute for the night, Magnus leads way to the living quarters and into Alec’s room where they get ready for bed.

When they curl up together under the sheets for the first time in three nights, it is not in a way Magnus had assumed it would happen and it’s not in a bed they are used to sleeping. But still, as Magnus closes his eyes and pulls Alec closer, he must admit that he’s glad that this happened. Not that Alec is feeling like this, never. But that he found out. That Jace called him and that he came to see Alec, and above all that Alec was willing to share this part of himself with Magnus. As much as it pains him to see the love of his life suffering, now he knows to be prepared, knows to keep an eye out for the signs.

There might not be much he can do to help, to this day there isn’t a potion or spell to cure depression. To ease some of its symptoms, yes, but no definite cure. But he’s not going to let Alec go through it alone.

If all he can do is listen and remind Alec that he wants to be here, or simply hold him while he sleeps, that’s precisely where Magnus will be.

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, I'd love to hear your thoughts!!


End file.
